#FridayFive - 5 situations where it's (almost) impossible to have sex.

1) When you've just eaten a big meal.

Seriously, I think we're all agreed here that no matter the gender or the orientation, sex on a full stomach is slightly horrendous. Firstly no one can be bothered when they have a belly full of 3 courses and a misjudged after dinner espresso but also surely all the blood is having to concentrate on your belly so there's nowt left for the sexy organs to have!? If you do manage to do it, you're going to have to position yourselves so no one's belly is touching anything but is also beautifully supported by the bed or maternity trousers like Joey from friends. Just wait till morning.

2) With a baby in the room.

I'm DEFINITELY not as hardcore as this stupid woman who says it's 'verging on child-abuse'  to have sex with a baby in the room. (Obviously as long as the baby belongs to one or both of you) it's just a difficult environment to reach climax in. They are little sex stealing demons and they know what you're up to even if you're doing it where they can't see. They will wake or cry or need feeding and that's a mood killer. Find a babysitter or do it in the shower or put them in their own room. You will breathe a sigh of relief.... in more ways than one ;-PK

3) When you know someone is the other side of the wall.

Be that a bedroom wall or a shower wall or probably also Hadrian's wall I'd imagine. Throughout uni my bed was always only separated from various housemates' beds by a paper thin wall. I found it weird enough knowing that we were sleeping so close to each other, imagine how I felt when both beds would be creaking away. It was a turn the music up scenario or just forget it.

4) Standing up

We all know my feeling on this, I won't rant again. 5 Reasons Having Sex Standing up is Completely Impractical. But seriously unless you've tied me up or used a restraint I'm defaulting to the bed.

5) When someone says, "I think there's a lump on your boob," mid coitus.

Actually I was a trooper and did manage to continue in this scenario but cripes it wasn't easy! Afterwards, trying not to freak out, my partner was like, "I didn't want to not say anything, it felt wrong to continue with you not knowing," Fair enough, but he could have a least pulled out to tell me.... Pahaha. I was fine FYI, I lived to fight another day and it made it one of my more memorable encounters.

Can you think of any other situations where it's (almost) impossible to have sex?

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08 April, 2016 1 tags (show)

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