50 Shades of Grey and Me - A real time review.

It’s finally happening guys, I haven’t seen it until now which is crazy considering the industry I’m in and the fact that we sell the official Fifty Shades of Grey Products from the film.

It was just so massively hyped that it put me off. I made plans to go and see it with my friend in Leicester Square all tanked up on wine and we were even (maybe) going to put our jiggle balls in and giggle and snort throughout. Then the selfish cow went and got pregnant and it felt a bit weird to do this so we didn't and so here I am. I have a rum and coke - in a mason jar no less - and an empty house. Let’s do this:


This film is very grey… ah wait, don’t worry, I see what they’ve done there.
Danny Elfman did the music, that always makes me think of Nightmare Before Christmas, poor Danny Elfman I'm sure he's done lots of other stuff.......
OMG I HATE THE WAY AMERICANS SAY MY NAME! The first god damn word of the film ANNER! It's an uh - Annauh or an a - Ann-a, not ANNEERRRRR or Ahner. Fuck you 50 shades and Frozen.
Ana in Christian Grey’s office is what I feel like in most of life, under-dressed and like I’m going to leave a big old stain when I stand up.
Oh gawd, I’m a bit bored already, I wish I had wine or jiggle balls. If someone I’d just met started talking to me like this, either of them, I’d die…. so intense. They are both beautiful though.
Even though she’s beautiful she doesn’t get away with facing up to the sky and letting the rain fall on her face. No one does this other than on screen. We all just run, head down, shielding ourselves with papers, bags or our offspring.
These guys look really old, what age do they finish college in America? 32? My student house did not look like this.
Ooo I forgot about the photography guy, he’s cute! I think I might fancy him more than Christian. Team photograph guy!
Seriously, I know that a lot of people went on about this at the time but Holy Moly if someone I’d met for 20 minutes showed up at my place of work and ordered cable ties, rope and masking tape I’d die, literally... because they’d be about to kill me. 
Sidebar - please don’t use these things. How will you free yourself from the cable tie if the other person knocks themself out trying to find the end of the masking tape? Use these things instead.  
Cor I was just getting into this, he’d given her a muffin, he’d asked her some questions and then ran off. Take his muffin and get with photography guy.
I bet she was well disappointed with the books, I’d be ripping the pages apart like “Where’s my god damn muffin!? Last time you got me a muffin”
She’s drunk dialling! I can warm to this character, girl after my own heart! “Where’s my muffin? I don’t like Thomas Hardy, unless he’s shirtless in Mad Max!” And she’s been sick on the pavement tut tut.
I’m getting a bit bored again. He’s just really scary! I dont remember him being this scary in print. He’s starting to not look hot… he might have to take off his shirt again.
I wonder where that half eaten box of milk tray that I got for my brithday went….. Ooo is it the song? I like this song! La-la-la love me like you do! I think my date flying a helicopter would turn me on.. #justsaying … AS WOULD HIS FUCK OFF HUGE MANSION!
"What’s this?" "Just a casual non-disclosure." "Oh cool beans." Is this the part where you KILL ME? Wait no, why would he make her sign a non-disclosure if he was gonna kill her, think Anna!
Sidebar. Why would he be buying cable ties if he had 5 different types of handcuff.
Ahhh look at her face, should have read the contract, it’s all gone a bit King Joffrey hasn’t it!? What a wally. This guy wants it all his way, that’s not a relationship. Run. Yeessh all a bit uncomfortable.
Sex scene woop woop! Buckle up peeps. 43 mins in. I bet all the boyfriends that went to the cinema to see it were asleep by now. Why do people never shower before sex in films? And they always jam it in with that first thrust that makes the woman gasp not go “OW MARTIN! Gently!!” But all in all it was sweet ish and they used a condom which is hardly ever shown on film. I did enjoy her climbing on the piano stool and being carried. One for me to try…..
Squishing into the bath like that is never comfy!
Can’t stop thinking about the milk tray and the fact this isn’t even half way through.
Now I’ve seen the house, the helicopter and the torso I get why she says yes. Although tbh I would do it for someone if they offered to go upstairs and fish out the half eaten milk tray from under the bed. Although if he said “Laters babe” I would throw chocolates at his forehead. But only the rubbish nut ones that no one eats.
How is he emailing back from the car, if he’s driving?
Rescued the chocolates! Mmmmmmm….
I think my contract would be very short. Does the submissive think people should discuss these things rather than leave them up to legal documents? Yes.
OMG He breaks into her apartment because she tries to break up with him. But that’s not the worst bit… she’s just got in from a run. Grim. 
I need to get my eyes checked, I can’t actually see the emails that keep popping up. I’m imagining that they’re saying, “Look I’m wearing more make up!” “Yes I noticed, and those god damn dowdy cardigans have gone too.”
‘Vibrators? Okay. Dildos? Fine.’ Why isn’t this our strapline. 'Peachy Keen - What are butt plugs?'
I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate.
But I did enjoy that bit where she held the power… for a nano second… until he forced her to say yes because he wouldn’t let go of her hand. He literally forced her hand but then he bought her a car. But then he spanked her and left. But I like her dress. And I’m not really paying attention anymore… This might have to be a two parter… a little to be continued!
Okay, I’m back, I’m invigorated, There’s no alcohol because it is 10am but we shall crack on regardless.So it’s her first time in the red room. He just plaited her hair, that would also be in my contract. Do my hair because I find it really difficult.
I’m assuming he has a cleaner, does she (or he) clean the red room? I hope so because this room would probably need a lot of cleaning. As sex scenes go, that was alright, just alright.
Is that Rita Ora? Shit yeah, I forgot Rita Ora was in this. Blink and you’ll miss her!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… run!
I get that he has this dark past and all but I think giving him a fucked up reason as to why he is in to BDSM is unfair on the normal people we all know and love who enjoy BDSM. It’s like saying only crazy fucked up people like this stuff which isn’t the case!
I wonder if there’s any more chocolate in the house… Why does this film provoke a need for sweet foods?
Found a snickers.
My company is falling apart around me but I’ll meet you in the playroom - isn’t this why we went into a recession?
Lelo blindfold! Wait was it? It looks an awful lot like it - you can buy the Lelo Blindfold here
There was some talking and now we’re back in the red room which could be interesting… or he could just be essentially beating the shit out of Ana whilst she cries. Lovely. It’s just got really dark! I mean thematically wise, not weather wise, it’s blazing sunshine. There’s 10 minutes left, I’m not sure how they’re going to round this up….
….. They didn’t actually round it up. She basically left him. Okay cool. But only if the next 2 films are about how she found love with someone that lets her touch him and they got to bind each other up and take walks and go to coffee shops and all those lovely things. Yaaasssss.

At least we’re done a!? Till next time!

I feel a bit meh about the whole thing. I think it worked a lot better in print than on film. Actually seeing it makes it look crazy weird, not the sex parts, the messed up relationship parts. But I guess they did an okay job with what they could.

I guess it’s made it way more accepting to discuss this kind of sexual exploration which is a great thing.

The absolute best thing to come out of this film is the sex toys! I will follow this up with a blog all about these amazing toys in the next week or so but until then have a browse here. ;-PK

What did you think about this film - comment below or on twitter @peachykeenuk or email us hello@peachykeen.uk.com 

To browse the Peachy Keen 50shades of Grey sex toys click here. Leave a comment below to tell us your opinion of the film.
12 September, 2015 1 tags (show)

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