Can we talk about female masturbation please?
So, female masturbation. Deep breath guys. Why is this subject so difficult to talk about?
I’m sure some people don’t find it difficult to talk about and good for them, they must have particularly open or like-minded friends or just not give a shit. Hats off to them, but I can count on one hand how many of my female friends have mentioned, let alone owned up to, masturbating. Until recently, because I have made it my mission to talk to as many females as possible about this quite frankly and still ridiculously taboo subject.
I think as a society we have come a long way. We know that females have, and like to have, orgasms on their own. Great. However (Correct me if I’m wrong) I think most of us would rather own up to having used a vibrator or a sex toy to climax than our own fingers. Are we ashamed of our own ability to get ourselves off? We shouldn’t be, it’s like a mini victory every time I do. I have to stop myself from putting my t-shirt over my head and doing a circuit of the bedroom. So why are we happier to admit that a toy helped us get off than an essential part of our own bodies? I’m going to blame/praise Sex and the City and the rise of the Rampant Rabbit for that one. Don’t get me wrong, if females are having orgasms and masturbating when before they couldn’t then that’s amazing!!! But let’s not neglect the importance and everyday popularity of masturbation without toys.
I think the first point to raise, that has come out of some of my conversations, is that actually some women aren’t masturbating or are only masturbating with toys because they don’t know how to do it any other way. That’s sad because if they don’t know how to do it then how are their partners going to know how to do it? During my conversations, I would often start with, “We think it’s something weird but it’s not is it?” I would say 75% of ladies said “OMG no, it’s the best ever” and we had an excellent conversation. However the rest would respond by saying “Well it is a bit weird isn’t it?” GULP – what should I say next and more importantly; what had these people been doing all their teenage years!? Think of the stuff I could have achieved if I hadn’t been frigging myself off! Worth it. Totally worth it.
Anyway, these conversations generally progressed the same way; us dancing around the topic and them saying things like “But it’s weird to stick your fingers up yourself.” Not being funny but I have never made myself cum by sticking my fingers up myself. I want to shake the hand of anyone that has… after they’ve washed it of course. These ladies literally didn’t understand how to do it and one even thought that the cervix was the clitoris. BIG SAD FACE!
To be fair to them, it is difficult, most of us have perfected this art over many many years. It’s so easy for men, there’s not really anything to get confused about. I grew up with comedies showing guys wanking. Well not actually showing it, that’s porn, but showing the hand action, the fact that you can use lube, the noise it makes etc, I don’t think there’s many guys who looked down and thought, “Well I’m not sure what to do here”. Whereas these same comedies didn’t really show girls doing it, they were much happier to show guys doing it to girls by just putting hands in their pants. Boom, instant orgasm!
‘Okay Anna, so I’m a bit confused as to what to do. It’s not obvious. Shall I look at porn to see what to do.?’ Nope. Big mistake. Porn is delightful, but it is a man’s game. Yes there are a lot more women friendly sites now where there is a lot more attention paid to the clitoris than in the porn that was around back in the day. In ‘guy’ porn, fingers are shoved up the vagina A LOT to astonishing effect and ‘pleasure levels’. This is because that’s what guys want to see so they can imagine their bits going up there. Simples. So no wonder my mate thought that’s how you do it and didn’t seem keen on it. Have you seen the nails on some of these porn actresses? No thanks.
So understandably, us ladies need to be educated as to how to do it although how…. I don’t know how I knew I guess I just fiddled with my bits more than some. Someone needs to make it their mission to teach us how to get ourselves off, but am I saying it should be part of sex education? I’m not sure – I think that’s a whole different post topic. I could make it my mission to explain how to do it but nothing could ever be as good as this totally NSFW comic from @ErikaMoen and @Plustenstrength and that explains exactly how women should masturbate. http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/masturbate/
These guys are amazing and this comic strip is so valuable. I want to make this into a flyer and hand it out to people on the street. It is just pure gold dust. Anyone with a female partner needs to know how to do it too! Otherwise we’re just creating generations of people who stick fingers up vaginas and wonder why it isn’t working. Instead of working with all the different parts of the vulva yet paying specific attention to the clitoris. If you have no idea what I’m talking about then click the link above again please.
So ultimately, If you feel comfortable doing so, I would highly recommend talking to your girl mates about masturbation. Use wine. You will have some awesome and some awkward conversations. It will reassure you and perhaps educate.
Just know that if you use your fingers to give yourself an orgasm and you’re not sure if you’re normal or not, you are. If you don’t do this but want to then give it a go. It might not happen the first time, or the tenth time but practise makes perfect.
If you do it with a toy or a different way like a duvet or a stuffed toy or whatever then that’s fine and normal too. Trust me.
Just remember that it’s a pretty useful skill to have or fall back on so that you can direct your partner to what you like or make it through uni.
So in the words of @ErikaMoen jam out with your clam out!
If you have any opinions on this, want to share or offload your story, or want to counter argue with anything then please contact me.
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